Let Go, Let Grow
Change is good. Or so they say. I’ve lectured on several organizational change models in academia. While some apply to the real world, others fall short of either being (mis) understood or fully implemented in personal development. One common theme among change models is a process that assumes change as a positive. But an antecedent not typically covered in change models is “why me”? Most people view change emotionally. The Kubler-Ross Model for the Five Stages of Grief explores change using understandable tenets such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Let’s explore the underlying considerations in the context of COVID and its impact on millions of people who found themselves among the 20 million people who were furloughed or laid off for no other reason.
Why Me?
That’s a typical question one asks, regardless of whether the change occurred because of something they did or did not do. Individuals with lower emotional intelligence will often begin—and sometimes never get beyond—this seemingly crucial question, while individuals with higher emotional intelligence typically reframe the question to “why not me.” I recall a baseball player coming to a sports franchise to win a world series who heard loyal fans chanting “why us,” presumably because they hadn’t won a world series in over 50 years. He proposed, “we need to look at it differently. It’s not why us, rather, it should be “why not us?” Individuals who dwell on why me will be stuck and significantly lower their chances of implementing change.
It is human nature for us to question why. Those of us with young children or grandchildren probably have heard the three-lettered word why a million times. In the adult context, reverting to that childhood why transcends throughout our lives. During change, we often ask who had it out for me, why did I get the short end of the stick, so to speak, and why not someone else? Organizations will attempt to validate their decisions based on strategic priorities, financial constraints, and shifting dynamic markets. Even though those may be clear directions for their growth, this falls short of aiding those directly (or indirectly) impacted by a change event. In most scenarios, we personalize change. To borrow from Alice in Wonderland, we tend to allow ourselves “to go down a rabbit hole.” And, so begins the hesitation or outright unwillingness to accept the change.
Develop a ‘Spring Cleaning’ Mindset
Spring cleaning is a colloquialism meaning a time to unclutter things (physical or mental) lurking in and around you. It’s a ritual usually understood to clean up the garage, donate or discard unwanted things, or make room for newer items. However, it is less used to clear our mental proclivities that take up space without paying rent in our psyche. We hold on to the past, particularly when there is a lack of clarity surrounding the change event. Whether you faced change at the time or during the COVID pandemic or any other point in your life there’s one thing you need to do: spring cleaning. The realities of change may or may not have been self-initiated. In other words, develop clarity of the change, including its origin, reason, and need. Having a clear understanding is not always achievable because you probably had little or no input. If that’s the situation, then avoid internal torment that misdirects your emotions to a state of anxiety and worry. It’s simple. The decision was beyond your control. End of story.
During COVID, some companies made decisions based mostly on its financial impact on their shareholders. You’re not a shareholder. Yes, one could argue that you put in tremendous hours working late nights, went above and beyond expectations, worked at the organization for many years, and always put your work ahead of family commitments. I get it. But, if others decided to eliminate your role, it was most likely beyond your control. Avoid scripting a narrative that they were wrong, my boss didn’t stand up for me, oh well it was a terrible place to work, etc. Rather, move forward. Let go, let grow. Spending time negatively addressing the change is unproductive. It’s not you. Embrace what you gained from the experience, not what you lost. Finally, another important part of the equation is self-examination. What did you do (or not do) that contributed to the change? Ah, gee you mean I could have been a part of why the change occurred? I do not know, only you know whether you did your part (or not). You need to examine both sides of an equation to gain clarity.
Moving On Versus Moving Forward
Roles don’t define relationships, people do. A common theme among those who leave a work role or relationship is to move on. However, moving on simply allows you to avoid confronting the cause of the change event. It’s kind of like giving yourself a pass. Our motivation to understand shrinks in comparison to accepting change. Let that sink in for a moment. In my life, I’ve experienced repetition of situations finding myself in a familiar place. Life seems to have a cycle of learning experiences, and if you don’t learn it the first time, then the mistake will resurface. Why am I here again, you may ask. Why do I find myself in the job market, in a bad relationship, or without sufficient resources? Consider pondering who you are attracting in your life, what thoughts you think, and how you define the people in your life by their roles. We tend to categorize people and develop our status by that association. Roles don’t define relationships, people do. Ask yourself if you have inadvertently put role above relationship. Keeping and re-calibrating relationships, even if your environmental identity changed, is a crucial part of re-inventing yourself.
I’ve had many roles in life including lab technician, nonprofit leader, academic, researcher, podcaster, author, and international professor. Each role change occurred as stackable resources integral to my success (and failures). At the time of each change, I question—like humans do—why me? Some were decisions I made; others were not. I learned to prioritize one thing—keep moving forward. Our energies are not limitless. Sure, you can spend your energies on tackling, confronting, attempting to undo the change, but what a waste of your time and energy. I found comfort in change when I could recognize that a moving forward mindset meant something far greater is awaiting. Change your thinking to a “what’s next” mindset once you gain perspective on your contribution to the change.
Reinventing yourself following a change event sometimes can seem daunting. People who are adaptable, flexible, and continuously learning are far more likely to embrace change. That’s the kind of people who should be in your change inventory toolbox. Let’s explore some necessary tools to aid you with reinventing yourself following a change event.
First, take an inventory. Who are people that can be helpful? Remember, it’s people not roles. Write down the names of people from your database. As you are doing this, include up to three words that come to mind. Then, in the next column write down how you think they would describe you.
Secondly, go through your list, but this time, go with your instinct. How receptive will each individual named on my list be? Avoid listening to the voice inside saying that person didn’t like me. No, you need to steer clear of negative thinking. I recently recommended someone for an important role. As it turns out, another person known to her also recommended this person. When I conveyed the opportunity, the person I chose immediately declined further discussion. She thought that the decision maker didn’t like her. Turns out, her self-described narrative was completely wrong.
Thirdly, have clarity on reinventing yourself. Showcase the new you by incorporating your past experiences, learning, and desire to be a better you. People respond favorably and often share their experiences. Be open to feedback and constructive criticism. Your previous roles did not define you. Think of it in this context—you were most likely paid to do the role.
Fourthly, go slow as you re-introduce your reinvented self. Change requires time. People usually take their own tome to process change. In today’s world, saying you’ve changed and reinvented yourself is not enough. You need to perfect how others see you, particularly on your social media. Review your outward facing posts, images, and photos to ensure alignment with your reinvented self. Like it or not, it may be time to update your profile picture to a more recent one. Finally, don’t expect mind readers to know what you’re trying to convey. Have open conversations with people you trust. Be specific in your intent, and even more clear in asking others for support.
Change is good if you are willing to recognize that moving on is not the same as moving forward. Learn from the change event but cautiously avoid writing your own narrative. Be present in conversations and correct yourself the moment that you find yourself downplaying, criticizing, or negatively representing the change. Refocus your energies on moving forward with a mindset that says the change strengthens me, and I’m excited about what’s on my horizon. I want you to help not because of your role but because I value you as a vital person in my reinvented self.
About Dr. Rick Arrowood
Dr. Rick Arrowood has taught in undergraduate and graduate education for three decades, held high-level leadership positions in nonprofit organizations and published numerous articles and research studies. He has given keynote speeches and presented on various subjects of nonprofit management and leadership in the USA, Australia, China, Russia, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, South Africa, Malaysia, and the Netherlands (The Hague). His academic areas include nonprofit management, law, global leadership, human resource management, and financial management. He holds several professional certifications in cultural competency, intercultural effectiveness, and leadership practices. He attained a Juris Doctor from Massachusetts School of Law, North Andover, Massachusetts, and a Doctor of Law and Policy from Northeastern University, Boston, Massachusetts.
Previously, former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick credited him as a change agent in leading a grassroots effort to attain a legislative mandate providing the first-ever pioneering state-wide registry later replicated nationwide for individuals living with Lou Gehrig’s disease overseen by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, Bureau of Environmental Division.
